Interestingly, I had a discussion just today with a colleague who was put off by the manner and tone an individual was using to provide valuable insights during a teleconference. I had previous interactions with the individual who was providing the feedback, so I understood that right or wrong, that was his style. I told my colleague that the person was providing valuable feedback, probably earned through some painful lessons, despite the somewhat tactless approach he used to convey his points.
One of the reasons I’m able to work with just about anybody, is that I realized that everyone has their own set of ‘filters’ through which they experience the world. These filters not only bias the way in which people perceive the world, but also the way the interact with it, including with other people. Additionally, not everyone has learned how to communicate effectively. Top it all off with individual quirks, some more pronounced that others, and you can get some rather interesting interactions.
I’ve found that the trick is to separate the personality from the message. While some people are utterly toxic, others just have certain idiosyncrasies to their approach. Once you understand a person’s style, even if you don’t particularly like it, you can still work with them effectively. Maybe you don’t want to invite them over for dinner, but at least you can interact with them and not get all bent out of shape. Another key is to realize that most of the time, it’s never about you – even if the person you have to deal with is somewhat obnoxious. Finally, it’s just not worth the energy to get all bent out of shape over someone’s personality, particularly is you have to work with them (of course harassment, bullying, threatening, etc. is never acceptable, but that’s a different story altogether).
The part of the title that mentioned being easily offended is why I clicked the link, but that was only one little piece of the article; the author offers 7 additional maxims that amount to the fact that you need to ‘own’ your own life, control what is within your control, and don’t cede control to other people or things you cannot change. I highly recommend reading the entire article, and really reflecting honestly on the 8 points. They are proven concepts that increase the likelihood of living a happier, more fulfilling life.
“Everything we think, say and do in life is a choice. Regardless of what’s happening to us, we always have a choice in how we respond, and when we leave our focus and energy there, we find ways to win and succeed.”
Everyone has their ‘awesome’ – their unique set of gifts and talents. What’s yours? How are you leveraging it to bring your gifts to the world, both in your professional and personal life? Even if your job isn’t your ideal dream job, how are you bringing your ‘awesome’ to the table in the workplace? What’s holding you back? What if you shared your ‘awesome’ with the world?
In an instant, my world turned upside down. For all I knew, my son – our only child – was dying in my arms. It was Christmas Day, 2018. Only minutes earlier we’d eaten breakfast after opening our gifts, but now my son was non-responsive, convulsing, gurgling, and frothing at the mouth. He complained of stomach discomfort after breakfast, but that was certainly no cause for alarm. Though gripped with fear and terror, I fought to remain calm and focused to ensure that I could make good decisions and avoid making the situation worse. Immediately I yelled to my wife to call 911 while I positioned my son to avoid injury during his seizure. I literally thought to myself, “is my child going to die in my arms?” Finally, after an agonizing minute or two that seemed like an eternity, my son’s body relaxed and he began to become aware of his surroundings once again. Soon after, the ambulance arrived.
After our son was rushed to the nearest emergency clinic, a CAT scan revealed a large abnormality in his brain – what appeared to be a large cyst, about 2 inches in diameter. Based on the results of the CAT scan, our son was then transported by ambulance to the hospital. An MRI confirmed that the abnormality was indeed a cyst. Surgery was scheduled to cut drainage slits (fenestrations) in the cyst membrane to allow the spinal fluid to naturally reabsorb.
Having any surgery can produce anxiety, but this wasn’t just any surgery – it literally was brain surgery: cut a hole in the skull and poke instruments into the brain. It’s not something I’d want to go through, and it sure as hell wasn’t something I wanted my child to have to endure. Not only that, but we had to wait a week for an opening in the hospital’s surgery schedule. I wrote down some of my thoughts and feelings during this time. On the day of surgery, I wrote:
"9:20 am: Getting ready to leave for the hospital for [my son’s] surgery. I'm feeling very anxious. Almost hard to breathe at times. Everything is expected to go well, but still very nerve-wracking. Trying to remain calm and appear calm to avoid freaking out everyone else. I hate this waiting. Just want it to be over."
After the surgery was complete, the surgeon met with us while my son was recovering in the intensive care unit. He was in a lot of pain, and on strong antibiotics that caused extreme discomfort. Unfortunately, when they entered my son’s brain, what they initially encountered was not what they had expected based on the MRI. A new game plan would be formulated and another surgery was scheduled.
Thankfully, the second surgery went as expected. The neurosurgeon told us that the prognosis was good and that the permanent success rate of this type of procedure was approximately 90%. Soon my son was released from the hospital. Over the coming months, the incision healed and the subsequent MRIs indicated that the cyst was properly draining so that pressure was relieved on the surrounding brain tissue. Other than seizure medication and the periodic neurologist checkups and MRIs, life went back to “normal”.
10% Chance
Flash forward two years to December 2020. During a regular follow up consultation, the neurologist explained to my wife and son that based on the latest MRIs, it appeared that the cyst fenestrations had sealed up. The cyst was growing again. Another surgery was necessary.
Since the initial drainage slits had ceased functioning properly, the plan for the upcoming surgery was to attempt using another fenestration procedure if conditions looked favorable for that approach during the surgery. Otherwise, the backup plan was to install a shunt that drains the spinal fluid into the abdomen – a concept that really freaks me out. While shunt installation is apparently a ‘routine’ procedure, the potential complications are horrific: blindness, infection, overdrainage, even death.
“When the shunt allows cerebral fluid to drain from the brain’s ventricles more quickly than it is produced, the ventricles can collapse, tearing blood vessels and causing bleeding in the brain or blood clot, marked by severe headache, nausea, vomiting, seizure and other symptoms. This risk occurs in approximately 5 to 10 percent of people with shunts.” (Source: Johns Hopkins Medicine)
Neither procedure is guaranteed to last a lifetime, so even if a shunt was necessary, my son might have to go through this all over again at some indefinite future date. Or it could be a permanent fix. While the success rates are fairly high, there is still risk. Since having seizures is one of the potential symptoms of failure and my son will be driving in less than two years, this brings a whole new level of concern. Somehow, we often seem to focus on the worst that can happen.
Anxiety and Anticipation
Surgery was scheduled for early April of 2021, giving us four months to wait. Four months of not knowing what the future would hold. Four months to dredge up and replay the events of Christmas two years prior. Four months to reflect on what this means for my son and what he needs to process mentally. The day before the surgery, I reflected on the future:
“Either way, [whether fenestrations or a shunt are used,] this is very stressful... mostly because of what my son will have to go through. It certainly could be much worse, I know. But I hate that my son, brave as he is, will have to deal with this for the rest of his life, because any solution could stop draining at some point and require another surgery, even with the shunt.”
In the weeks leading up to my son’s next brain surgery, my anxiety level increased – slowly at first, but accelerating as the date loomed closer. However, I couldn’t afford to let fear and worry occupy my attention and cause me to lose focus on completing my responsibilities. I still had to be a good husband, father, employee, and leader. Not only is attending an extended ‘pity party’ non-productive, it’s also emotionally draining.
In order to cope with the stress and anxiety in the weeks leading up to the surgery, I intentionally avoided dwelling on negative outcomes or fear itself. Since I often do fall into the trap of entertaining worst-case negative fantasies, this was a bit novel to me, but very helpful. Several techniques proved useful:
Avoid playing ‘victim’: It’s not personal, it’s not all about me, and I can’t change it. It’s not the end of the world. There is a high probability of success. No complaining or seeking sympathy.
Focus on the positive: This is difficult for me, but I tried to focus on positive outcomes instead of negative possibilities.
Talk it out: Especially in the last few days prior to surgery, I shared my thoughts and feelings with a handful of people. While receiving empathy does feel good, verbalizing my fears and focusing on the positive was more fruitful.
Compartmentalize: Since dwelling on uncertainty and factors outside of my control changes nothing (except my anxiety levels), why bother? I visualized picking up my worry, placing it in a ‘timeout’ corner, and turning my back to it. I spoke to my worry, telling it that I would not give it any of my attention. I acknowledged it, then ignored it as best I could.
Fortunately, my coping mechanisms paid off. While my stress did increase as the number of days until surgery diminished, I was able to maintain focus and remain effective in my responsibilities at home and at work. Only on the night before surgery did I lose any sleep due to anxiety related to my son’s condition.
Perspective
Surgery was scheduled to begin around 7 am. After a couple hours of waiting, my wife and I were informed that the procedure went smoothly and our son was in the recovery room. A shunt was not necessary (whew!) and the fenestration was performed successfully.
Later that day, I visited the cafeteria located in the hospital basement in order to buy lunch for my wife and myself. In a somewhat comical twist, the panini heating machine that the cook used to heat my wife’s sandwich billowed smoke enthusiastically. Moments later, the acrid sandwich smoke set off the fire alarm throughout the entire hospital. After paying the cashier, I slunk away feeling guilty, only to be detained at the elevator along with several other hospital guests by the fire safety response personnel. Soon firemen appeared, fully decked out in their fire suits and hats, wielding their firefighting gear. For safety, we could not leave the area – neither by elevator nor by stairs.
As minutes slowly ticked away, the tension noticeably increased in some of the waylaid guests – worried parents of child patients. Like me, they had left their children for what they thought would be just a few minutes so that they could obtain nourishment. I soon came to realize that fenestration of a brain cyst, while certainly serious, is also comparatively trivial.
Eventually the fire alarms cleared and guests were allowed to leave the cafeteria. As a testament to just how aware and caring the entire staff is at Connecticut Children’s Medical Center, the fire safety personnel directed parents who appeared to have the most urgent need to return to their children into the first elevator car that arrived following the ‘all clear’ notice. Due to COVID-19 restrictions, that meant only three of us were ushered into that first car.
As the elevator rose, the two anxious mothers sharing the elevator with me briefly shared why they were here: cancer had returned to one child; severe pain (no cause offered) tortured the other child. Suddenly, brain surgery and cyst fenestration was no big deal. Mere hours following surgery, my son was recovering quickly, with miraculously little pain. His diagnosis was certainly not terminal, despite the possibility that he’d have to return for future surgical treatment. And we’d be released from the hospital later that afternoon. Honestly, I felt somewhat guilty – not only for taking a precious spot on the first elevator ride after the fire alarm (and for being involved in causing it in the first place), but also because through all of the self-centered anxious drama in my own brain, I had failed to realize that my son’s condition could be much, much worse. In fact, for some children and their parents right here in this very hospital, it was significantly worse. This humbling experience notably realigned my perspective.
You’re Not Alone
I don’t share this story to shine the limelight on myself out of dramatic vanity, but rather because, just possibly, you are going through something similar. Maybe your situation is much worse than ours; maybe our son’s experience puts yours into proper perspective. In times like these, it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one suffering; you aren’t. I wrestled with the decision to share my son’s medical history in such a public way; however, I believe it is important to let others know that they are not alone, whatever the cause of their struggle.
Additionally, difficult experiences produce wisdom, often forged in a crucible of suffering. Sharing hard-earned wisdom multiplies the positive results and brings deeper, richer meaning to the struggle. I offer the following bits of wisdom from my experience:
Feeling fear and anxiety is normal (but don’t let it control you)
In an emergency, don’t panic; force yourself to focus on what needs to happen so that you can make good decisions during the crisis
To an extent, you can compartmentalize your anxiety to focus on the now
Keep it in perspective: there is often someone who is worse off than you
You’re not alone – whatever you’re going through, others have endured similar (or worse) situations
If this story has helped you in any way, please let me know. Also, if you have gained wisdom with respect to coping with stress and anxiety of your suffering child or loved one, please share what you have learned.
Imagine getting ‘bonus’ paychecks twice a year? Would that help you pay off your debt or save for your next car, a remodeling project, a vacation, or your kids’ education? If your company pays you biweekly (every two weeks) instead of bimonthly (twice a month), you’ll receive 26 paychecks per year, versus only 24. That means two months per year will have three paychecks instead of only two. How you handle the ‘extra’ paychecks can make a huge difference in your finances.
I’ve had jobs that pay twice per month as well as those that pay every two weeks. I actually prefer the biweekly paycheck to the bimonthly paycheck. Here’s why. Regardless of the number of paychecks, obviously your annual pay is the same; however, other than the deductions taken directly from each of your paychecks (such as for medical insurance), pretty much all of your other bills are monthly. Think about it: mortgage/rent, car payments, credit card bills, utilities, phone bills, etc. I’ve never had anyone bill me on a biweekly basis. It has always been monthly, annually, or some integer multiple of months (3, 6, 36, whatever). So use that to your advantage.
The Magic of Biweekly Paychecks
Personally, I love receiving a biweekly paycheck. The magic occurs if you plan your budget based on receiving only two paychecks per month instead of budgeting based on dividing your annual pay by 12. This has two benefits. First, it forces you to live well below your means since each biweekly paycheck is less than each bimonthly paycheck for the equivalent salary. Second, twice a year, you’ll get a ‘windfall’ equivalent to one full paycheck! If you put that towards paying down debt or towards one of your major saving goals, each ‘bonus’ paycheck makes a sizeable contribution to your financial goal. It’s a huge morale boost!
As an example, assume you make $50,000 per year. With a biweekly paycheck, that’s about $1,923 per paycheck (versus $2,083 if you’re paid bimonthly), excluding deductions for taxes, benefits, 401k, etc. For gross estimating purposes, assume roughly half your paycheck goes towards taxes and other deductions (it’s probably actually less than that). That means you’re left with an ‘extra’ $1,000 (or more) that month. And that happens twice a year! What could you do with a $1,000 bonus every 6 months or so?
Maybe it’s just my perception, but it seems to me that too many people have become afraid of having to work hard. They seek to do only the barest minimum necessary to just eek by. They feel that the world owes them praise, recognition, and rewards (grades, money, promotions, etc.) just because they showed up. They give up too soon when results don’t come easily, they aren’t spoon-fed the answers, or they need to put in any “additional” effort. Honestly, this is just sad. When people refuse to do hard things, they rob society of what could have been and stunt their own self-esteem. A healthy culture demands that we do not just show up, but rather that we push ourselves to excel.
This topic has been on my mind quite a bit lately. I’ve had conversations with my son about this a number of times over the past few years, trying to instill in him a desire to push himself to not just meet the minimum requirements, but to demonstrate excellence; to choose doing difficult things on purpose, not merely to “bear the cross”, but to challenge himself, to build his character, to feel the enhanced sense of reward, and to establish a positive reputation.
Inspiration From A Book Title
While searching for Christmas gifts for my son this year, a book with an interesting title appeared in my gift recommendations on Amazon.com: Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations, written by teenage twin brothers Alex and Brett Harris. After reading the book description on Amazon, I immediately borrowed the book from the library and read it within a few days. The premise of the book is fantastic: that society is harming generations of young adults by setting expectations too low, and that teens specifically (though honestly, it applies to all of us) should do hard things for the benefit of not only themselves, but for others as well – but most importantly to glorify God. Whether or not you are religious in any way, the principles still stand. A culture that encourages people to do hard things, starting from a young age, will be stronger, more productive, happier, and more resilient. From the moment I saw the title of this book, I realized that I needed to write about this concept.
Why Do Hard Things?
If you do a Google search such as “why is it important to do things that are difficult or hard”, you’ll actually find quite a few results. Out of curiosity, I read a few of the top results to discover how other people felt about doing hard things. In particular, posts from Desk to Dirtbag, Marc and Angel Hack Life, and The Art of Manliness resonated with me. They all have solid ideas and viewpoints worth reading.
Based on my own experience, there are a number of benefits to doing hard things. The following list is certainly not exhaustive, but presents some key concepts of my ‘do hard things’ philosophy. These are in no particular order.
1. Savor Sweeter Success
Think about it. When you do something that is easy, how memorable is it? How about when you achieved something that was extremely difficult? Which ‘accomplishment’ would be more rewarding: walking 50 feet to your mailbox, or finishing your first marathon? Why? Because running a marathon is hard! You can probably walk to the mailbox and back without even thinking about it or breaking a sweat. I’ll bet you can’t even remember the first time you walked to the mailbox, but if you’ve run a marathon, you’ll never forget the first one.
The mere fact that something was hard to do makes the value of doing it – or even trying to do it – that much greater to you. In fact, if it was not only hard, but took numerous attempts, lots of training and practice, and significant effort, all the more rewarding it is when you finally succeed. The harder a thing is to do, the stronger the sense of reward.
2. Enjoy a More Fulfilling Life
Related to the first reason above, life is much more fulfilling when you realize that you have stretched yourself and accomplished hard things. How can you not feel better about yourself when you do hard things regularly? Certainly doing hard things is…well…hard. It can be frustrating while you’re in the middle of it, especially if you’re doing something hard that was not necessarily your choice (like a difficult school project or dealing with a tough problem at work). However, being in the habit of doing hard things will lead to a more fulfilling life. You can’t fool yourself – if you always look for the easy way out, avoid doing anything difficult, fear trying hard things because you might fail – or worse, you’re just plain lazy – you’re psyche will know the truth. Likewise, your psyche knows when you do hard things. Doing hard things can improve your self esteem and lead to greater fulfillment.
3. Build Confidence
As you take on more and more difficult challenges, you will gain confidence in yourself. The more hard things you attempt, the more hard things you will achieve. You will not always succeed, and often there will be many failures on the path to success. By definition, it will not be easy. If you keep at it, the number and size of your successes will grow. As this occurs, your confidence will grow because you will know that you are doing hard things. As your confidence builds, you will be less intimidated by difficult challenges and you will do more hard things. It becomes a positive feedback cycle.
4. Learn and Grow
Doing hard things requires that you stretch yourself. You will have to go outside your comfort zone. And you’ll probably have to learn new skills. In fact, sometimes the hard thing is specifically learning a new skill. Regardless, by doing hard things regularly, you will continue to learn and grow.
5. Exceed Your Own Expectations
We may attempt things that most people consider to be extremely difficult – like being a professional athlete. Or, maybe we just struggle with something that is difficult for us – like giving a public presentation if you’re shy. Either way, regardless of what it is that you do, if you persistently push yourself to do very hard things, you will more than likely exceed your own expectations. You will discover that you can actually do more than you thought possible. But you have to do more than ‘try’. You have to knuckle down and push. It might take many attempts. You will probably experience fear, frustration, and doubt. Eventually you will be able to look back and realize that you were able to achieve more than you thought you could.
6. Avoid Average
Anybody can do the easy things. Doing the bare minimum is the epitome of mediocrity at best (dare I say lazy?). Anyone can sit on the couch and stare at the television. Taking the easy route is boring. Why settle for being average? Wouldn’t it feel better to set yourself apart by doing things other people don’t or won’t – usually specifically because they are hard? We’ve all heard the refrain, “I could never do that!” Maybe. But did you even try? What if you could do it?
Find something that is interesting and fun, but that takes a lot of effort to learn. Become an expert at something you enjoy. Do the extra credit work. Learn something new, just for the sake of learning it. Challenge yourself. Volunteer – either for extra assignments at work, or to support charitable organizations. Exceed your boss’ or teacher’s expectations of you. Raise the bar. Just don’t settle for average. Anyone can do that. Average is nothing special. It’s bland, boring, and unattractive. You are a unique and valuable human being with plenty of potential; you were not meant to be average.
I’ll add a special note here. Obviously in the strict sense, ‘someone’ has to be ‘average’ because everyone can’t be the ‘best’. But by ‘average’, I mean specifically the attitude of doing nothing ‘extra’, settling for the bare minimum, and doing only things that are easy for you. Not everyone has the same abilities and characteristics, so you can be ‘above average’ by choosing to do things that are hard for you, regardless of whether they are easy or hard for others.
7. Earn a Positive Reputation
When you do hard things, people will absolutely take notice. From a purely practical (not necessarily selfish) standpoint, you will develop a positive reputation by consistently doing hard things. This can lead to things like better jobs, better assignments, raises, promotions, friendships, and more. It can also lead to opportunities you might never expect when others specifically seek you out.
If you’re a parent, your kids will absolutely notice when you do hard things (and conversely, when you avoid them). By setting a positive example, you are more likely to earn their respect, but more importantly, prepare them for a productive, fulfilling, meaningful life.
8. Change the World
People who do the hard things are the ones who make a difference. These are the people who change the world for the better. They don’t do it by sleazing out of work or avoiding challenges.
By ‘world’, I don’t necessarily mean all of humanity. Some people certainly have that level of impact, but you can change the world by making a positive difference to your local community, school, company, team, organization, or even just one person. Regardless of scale, leave the world a better place by being here. Stretch yourself and do hard things, not just for your own personal benefit, but for others as well.
Doing Hard Things – Putting My Money Where My Mouth Is
Of course there are endless examples of ‘hard things’ that I’ve done. While this post is definitely not about me, I thought it might be good to share some of these examples, not for my personal glory or recognition, but rather to demonstrate the some of the points I’ve discussed above.
Learning Trials Biking
If you’ve read anything on this website, there is no way you didn’t see this coming! If you want to learn how I got started in trials biking and what is trials biking, read this and this. In summary, I started learning trials biking at 47 (I’m over 50 now), while being quite out of shape.
Trials biking is not just ‘like riding a bike.’ It is extremely difficult. It involves falling, crashing, and failing over and over and over and over. In a lot of ways, it’s like solving a physical puzzle (the obstacle, trick, or ‘line’) with just you and your bike. But when you make progress, pulling of a new trick or riding a difficult line, the sense of reward is exhilarating. There’s nothing like it.
Why do I do it? Because it’s so hard most people quit or never try it. Because it’s cool as hell. Because the journey is hard, but fun. And because the reward is just so sweet.
Earning a Master’s Degree
While in my 40’s, I decided to get my master’s degree in systems engineering. This was nearly 20 years after I graduated college, so going back to school was tough (my bachelor’s degree is in electrical engineering – yes, that was also extremely difficult!). In three years I earned my MS in systems engineering while also working full time.
Here’s the kicker. By outward appearances, some folks going for an advanced degree (that their employer pays for) seem to be just seeking a piece of paper that leads to a higher salary or a higher paying job elsewhere. That was absolutely not my approach. I worked my ass off, often times spending 20+ hours a week on homework and projects – even 40 hours one or two times – while working full time. I graduated with a 4.0 (out of 4.0). But I earned it. I didn’t just do the minimum. I was there to learn. Not just for my own sake, but because I wanted to translate what I learned into practice at my job – which was the whole reason for going back to school in the first place! Not for a scrap of paper or just for money. I did more than was required on many, if not all, assignments and projects.
This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It wiped me out. It was tough. And probably would not have been possible without the support of my amazing wife who took on a lot of added burden at home so I could focus on school. But I did it. And because it was so hard, and because I put so much more into it than others seemed to do, it holds tremendous value to me.
An Introvert In The School Play
I have to confess, I am shy and introverted, though much less shy than when I was younger. I was the kid who hid behind Mom’s leg when she was talking to people I didn’t know. I was the student who sat in the back row, trying to hide behind the other kids so the teacher wouldn’t call on me.
Back in high school, specifically because I’m shy, I decided to audition for the school play one year. I wanted to force myself way outside of my comfort zone, to expand my comfort zone. I was terrified – I’d never done anything like this before. But I actually got a part in the play, albeit a small one – though still a speaking part. It was hard, but I did it. I had a great time. I met new people. It was worth the experience.
Sick and Working Late
Just the other day, I was requested to complete an annoying, time consuming, and somewhat challenging task by the end of the day. That was already bad enough. What made it really difficult is that I was on teleconferences literally all day long, so I could not even start the assignment until late in the afternoon. To make matters worse, I was sick, so I felt absolutely awful (though at least I was able to work from home). Regardless, people were counting on me, so I kept working until I finished at 9 pm. This is a fairly mundane example, but it still counts as doing something hard.
Eliminate Your Excuses
Want an extreme example of doing hard things as a way of life? Read Can’t Hurt Me, by David Goggins. Trust me, this book will take away any excuses you think you have.
What hard things have you done? What hard things do you want to do? What hard things will you do? Do hard things. Spread the word!
